*Disclaimer: this article contains some sensitive as well as possible graphical explanations of what life is like as an autistic person. While I understand not everyone will feel comfortable with what I am about to reveal, it is your own choice on whether or not you want to read the piece. Viewer discretion is advised
What is life like on the spectrum? Truth is I do not like that word as I feel it is disrespectful. What I do prefer is the word autistic, because it describes my situation as well as the state of my mental health better.
Living life as an autistic person, especially living in the world that is designed for neurotypicals, is extremely challenging and there are times where I feel like all hope is lost, I even contemplated committing suicide. Sometimes it can also get ugly and being on the wrong side of me can cause serious, if not, permanent consequences.
The first challenge I face as an autistic person is dealing with societal expectations as well as societal norms. I am not the type of person who stays complacent as I am always looking for solutions to every problem I face. I also do not understand why anyone won’t challenge the status quo as I am questioning why I should be following the general guideline. For many years, I have struggled dealing with societal expectations, unfair or not, that was being placed on me at a early age. I often wondered who I am and what is my mission here. I also wondered what do I really stand for. I am doing a lot better now as I have adjusted expectations. Ever since I got into writing, as well as blogging, I found joy in life and I know that this is what god sent me here for, to create as well as to brighten up the world. I believe i can do it, I know I can.
Another challenge I am facing and this is a challenge I find it hard to overcome, is the inability to say no. I was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, as well as bipolar. I am also an introvert, even though for many people that is hard to believe. Due to the introverted as well as autistic nature in me, I don’t speak much. I also don’t argue much, as I prefer to do my own thing and live in my own reality, whatever that means. As a result, I find it hard to say no. When my parents come over and ask me if I am ok with them living in my house, I often say yes because of people pleasing, as well as not being able to say no. I fear rejecting them means disrespecting the culture so I sacrifice myself to make sure they are ok, even though I should not. Too many times my privacy gets invaded and people often disrespects my boundaries, without my knowledge. I am angry but there is often nothing i can do. I hate it but I am too weak to stand up for myself.
The third challenge I am facing as a person with autism is the hidden discrimination, as well as the unfair labels that was being put on me at a young age. While the latter is no longer an issue anymore as I do not care what people say about me, the hidden discrimination part still bothers me. Just like i said on the top paragraph, I dislike it when people invade my privacy, also dislike it when they disrespect my boundaries. You might ask how do all those things relate to hidden discrimination? They do not see me as a person. They looking down on me as a human being. They also do not believe it when I say I am disabled and need accommodations. I remember people telling me “You do not look like you are a disabled person.” Just because I look like a normal person does not mean I am. Just because I look neurotypical, whatever that means, does not mean I am. Another aspect of hidden discrimination is, this one drives me crazy, is them not taking me serious. The double standards they impose on me is laughable to say the least. On one end, my family tells me it is ok to express your thoughts and be truthful. Then when I try to express my honest opinions as well as try to say no, they immediately changes their tone by trying to convince me, trying to make me understand what is going on. I do not need to understand what is going on, I just yearn for respect. I genuinely hope I am able to express my true thoughts, saying no, without facing unnecessary judgements. If I am able to say what I feel like saying without all the hidden discrimination, that will be ideal.
Before this goes on, I just want to point out, this is not a rant piece, nor should it be. The purpose of the article is not to complain about the challenges i am facing, although all of them are valid. The purpose of this article, rather is to educate as well as inform the masses about autism, as well as what life is like. Everything is written in my own perspective and mine only. Every autistic person’s experience is different, that is how it should be.
While there are challenges and at times I feel overwhelmed, there are also many good aspects of being autistic. Truth be told, there are a lot of great qualities in me that I have embraced, qualities that I will never trade for anything. I also find joy in being autistic as I am different, have a good personality and life at times seems easy, which is good.
The first good aspect of being autistic is the fact that I am observant. Not to sound judgmental or anything, but I have a sixth sense. I can sense people from afar, both dangers as well as friendliness of others. I can tell who has what type of personalities just from afar, although I don’t really share what I am thinking at the moment. By being observant, I am able to make predictions before things happen, prevent dangers before they happen. As a result, I am more prepared than others in facing adversity.
Another good aspect of being autistic is the fact that I longer care about masking. Now, do I care about what others think of me and feel uncomfortable in front of certain individuals? That is certainly the case but once I stopped caring, which might or might not happen, I am myself. I have a witty sense of humor and often would crack jokes that make everyone laugh. I often find myself standing out amongst the crowd since the way I act, the way I talk, the way I behave, is all different from the societal norm that most people are used to, or have been dealing with.
Last good aspect of being autistic is the fact that I do not create any type of havoc whatsoever. This might be weird to say but being quiet is great. As an introvert, I find extroverts to be way too loud and I question their behaviors at times. I often question the meaning of masculinity as I do not believe in violence, I do not think being a man has to do with how tough you act and how loud you yell. By being quiet, I am almost never the center of attention. I can sit in a place for hours and no one will pay attention to me, which is great. I am able to live a peaceful as well as a secluded life, away from the rest, while also maintaining some form of socializing by not disconnecting myself from the rest of the world. By being autistic, I am able to experience the best of both worlds while not losing touch of myself.
There are good and bad in very situation and being autistic is no different. While I hate the negativity side of things, I cannot help but appreciate what it bought to my life. If I never got diagnosed back in 2012, who knows what my life will look like now, 12 years later. Who knows whether or not following the neurotypical path would have resulted in more success for me? I read somewhere that truly powerful individuals tend to be leaders, not followers. Being autistic means I am not merely a sheep, rather a wolf, and that has been working wonders for me. As a result, I am thriving being myself and people are beginning to take notice.